dear future self

I wish I could explain what life is like to you, because I know you will have forgotten the details and left only with vague feelings

I'm confused whether to write in the past or present tense...so I'm choosing the present

overall, life is good - actually quite good, though there is a sneaking suspicion that it's not all that it could be yet...

I hope you're better than me
I hope you're wiser
I hope you're more gentle (is gentler a word?)
I hope you're faith is greater
I hope your love is more full (fuller?)

I'm trying to do things/ change things to bring about these improvements for you - but I get lazy and complacent

speaking of which - sorry for the poor dietary choices that I have made
are you more wrinkly now?
how's the hair situation?

...

have you found the secret yet?

is God close? or are you far?

do you walk with Jesus?

say hi to my wife and kids for me.

strangers on an elevator

awkwardness no longer bothers me
in a weird, sitcom-esque way - I actually enjoy it

you know those moments that if someone else was there - you'd be killing yourselves laughing?
but it's just you - so it makes a lame story for later instead

these situations are funny because they are quite common, so most of us understand them

our physicality matters
we have a body
we have a presence
and that matters
don't ask me why - but it does

as I sit here in front of my computer, my presence is disembodied in relation to you as you read this

but...

in an elevator - our bodies matter
and there's an unspoken etiquette to how we use them

I won't go into the etiquette now - but think about your last elevator ride

for most people, there is a slight exchange of glances
a chit and/or a chat - typically weather related
a brief question on you desired destination (sounding so much more exotic than just floor)
and then silence

oh...that silence

and in that silence - so many things are said, thought and felt

I have a soul - you have a soul

and in some mysterious way - our bodies are comingled with our souls

how we use our bodies is important, as they are a remarkable reflection of the soul within

but what gets me is how our bodies can be mere inches apart and yet our souls are millions of miles away

and so we ride this metallic box in this urban landscape towards our next exotic destination having never 'engaged' the souls we ride with

but there are those brief, fleeting moments of deep significance that occur from time to time where our souls, screaming to be heard, have transcended to the surface - gasping for breath

and it happens - connection. inexplicable connection with another soul

we thirst for this

but maybe we're just strangers on an elevator...

attune

character and perspective rarely come easy

I'm not saying I have either - but can appreciate the pain-staking process in obtaining them

driving away from the hospital yesterday, there was this moment of clarity

you know those times where you feel like you can see for the first time what's always been there but you didn't notice?
like your senses are attune to a new song, a new fragrance and a new texture all at once?

that was yesterday

I wish I could describe it for you...

why does it take death to remind me to live?

character and perspective rarely come easy, but rather through a painful ascent

may I not forget this song too soon - may I sing of its words everyday

may I die everyday to rise up to life

...

there are those that I love with a parents' heart
and I don't know what it will take to wake them

what will it take to wake you?

pastor-guilt

there is an interesting thing that happens to me as I go through this life

apparently as a pastor I carry around this thing that I like to call pastor-guilt

and it's not what you'd expect that to be

it's not me, as a pastor carrying around guilt, rather it's how I obviously make people feel

it goes like this...

I run into someone I haven't seen in awhile and stop to see how they're doing and catch up on life

now, if this persons knows/remembers that I'm a pastor - they'll go into this rambling of guilt-ridden prose

"oh yeah, I know that I haven't been to church in a while"
"I've been doing this and that..."
"I've really been meaning to do this"

I never know quite how to respond

it makes me feel bad actually - making people feel guilty just at that sight of me - yikes

so, in an effort to avoid these situations in the future, let me say this:
- do good
- do those things you feel compelled to do
- don't let guilt run your life
- do right by God
- if you're feeling guilty about something, maybe there is something to it - but please, don't place it on me
- I honestly just want to know how you're doing

but maybe you already told me

are you safe? - an internal monologue

*stepping into the room*

hi.

I know you can see me, please don't look the other way
we've worked together for 3 years
I know you're busy. I know you've got your life
your kids and your mortgage

and you're pleasant enough
we talk about the seasons changing
and construction slowing our drives
among other unremarkable things

I feel pathetic, like I'm begging for attention
you know what? don't worry about it
but you have a depth
I can tell

it's not like I have major problems
just a handful of minor ones
pretty standard really
but I hurt

did you know that I paint?
yeah - weird hey?
I love it
painting, that is

"what are you doing this weekend?"

my friend died last year
I never told anyone here
didn't even take time off
I don't know why

are you ok with this superficiality?
because I'm growing increasingly tired or it
or apathetic
somedays I can't tell the difference

do you ever daydream about swerving into oncoming traffic?
or off an embankment?
not in a death-wish sort of way
but just for fun?

are you safe...?

"are you safe?"

*exits room*

therapy

I'm a pastor.

what this entails continues to befuddle me

but I spend most of my time with people in all different capacities
sometimes it means coffee, sometimes it means hospitals, sometimes it means preaching and teaching
but always people.

which works out great because I love people

I enjoy getting to know them
what makes them happy. what makes them sad

I enjoy hearing their stories and telling some of my own

mostly I enjoy listening

but...

I grow tired

not of people - but I need some space

and for me, one of the best forms of therapy is working with my hands

after days of reading and writing, meeting with people, talking, thinking, etc. I can think of little else that revives me as doing something physical and shutting my mind off

my therapy is relatively mindless and blissful and preferrably outside

for many in trades and other physical jobs, they relax by reading or doing something non-physical

it's the opposite for me

I think it has something to do with pure physical exertion and more immediate results - there is something to see and admire for what I have done - like creation

I can step back, fold my arms and feel good - knowing that I DID something

because the majority of my days are much more subtle

serving people is subtle. rarely are there times that I can say "there - I DID that" and mostly because that comes off as selfish - I think you get what I'm saying

but there are those times as I walk with someone through a defining moment in their life and know - this is the only thing for me

those are the moments I cling to

...oh yeah - and golf.

so, what is your therapy?

utterly alone

is it just me, or are most people walking through this life feeling alone?

no matter what the lifestyle
no matter how many friends
no matter how busy

there's this low-level hum of loneliness

not necessarily debilitating loneliness or even a woe-is-me loneliness

but more of an awareness that you...are...alone (or at least it feels that way)

you're the only one in your head
you're the only one who knows your thoughts
you're the only one who knows this pain - knows these secrets

...or are you?

as a pastor, I should tell you about how mysteriously and miraculously God's own Spirit chooses to live inexplicably intertwined in you when you know who he is and choose him - which I believe

but...sometimes it is still lonely.

I place unfair expectations on my relationships, looking to be made okay again through them
I ask the ones closest to me to make me feel whole
I stumble around looking for something that may not be found

I know God is t(here)...but sometimes it doesn't feel like it

and yet, in the midst of fleeting feelings - I choose to believe

and there are other times when I am so accutely aware of God's 'hereness' there is absolutely no mistaking it

I yearn for those moments
I need that hereness

otherwise, we are utterly alone - but I don't believe that

you're only as good as your last post

I am continually my own worst critic

starting up this blog again has reopened my heart

open again to both the good and the bad - but I guess I have to take both

there's a weight off my chest and a burden off my shoulders as I release these petty thoughts

but, there's a vulnerability that I would rather not carry with me

as most writers can attest to, though I'd hardly consider myself a 'writer' - you're only as good as the last thing you wrote.

in my case, only as good as the last post

I want to nail it every time, but I can't
I want to pour myself out fully, but I can't

there will be mediocrity, there will be missed marks

but I pray we will be better because of the trip

so, as we continue to journey together - be gentle, knowing I critique far more than you ever could

there will be up's and there will be down's - but we'll come out okay

thanks for journeying with me...and tell your friends.

good news?

so there's this phrase in churchianity called 'good news'

we find it in english translations of the Bible
I hear it from the pulpit. I see it in the propaganda (maybe too harsh)
but like many churchy phrases, this one is seemingly losing its meaning and depth and power
it's become so engrained in church culture, that rarely does one stop to remember

so, let us stop.

good news.

- is it actually good? or has it become just news for you?
- and is it actually news? or has it become just...well, I don't know...

what do you have in good news if you find it neither good nor news?

there are those who talk about this good news with little thought beyond their 'ticket to heaven'
there are those who talk about this good news with smugness as they 'condemn to hell'
there are those who talk about this good news in ignorance of those in need

what did the angel mean in telling the shepherds that a Saviour had been born - Christ the Lord?

this is bigger than your ticket to heaven
this is bigger than your pride (thank God!)
this is bigger than your ignorance

Jesus is Lord.

so, fellow journeying soul - is this still good news?
and if so - what becomes of it?

decidely moderate

I've noticed that when I'm with my 'righty' friends (and I use that term in all kindness) I tend to gravitate to a more left approach

I've subsequently noticed that when I'm with my 'lefty' friends (and I use that term in all sarcasm - haha) I tend to gravitate to a more right approach

now, before you charge me with flippantly changing my stance let me say...

I'm decidely moderate

and this is a dangerous thing for me to say, for I run the risk of losing the respect of both the lefties and the righties in so doing

but I see the severity at either end of the spectrum as more dangerous

there are things in this life that aren't quite as cut and dry as people would like to make them out to be

you may think that I'm just noncomittal

but I would submit that I'm very commited to listening (to both sides or more) and attempting to make a decision from there

I prefer that to just going along with whatever the 'groups' are saying

...or maybe I'm just moderately undecided?

I see you

forgive the creepiness of that title
but...

I see you

yeah, you

you slide through life without so much as a word
you keep quiet and reserved
you hold back
you keep your proverbial cards close
you shove your passions deep down
you keep your head down and your mouth shut
you try and you try to maintain this facade

but I see you
...and you're not fooling me

there's so much more there, I know
there's so much depth to your soul
there are things that boil your blood
there's mystery and passion and life
there's so much more than...this

and I see you.

you have something to say, I just know it
you have wisdom to share
you have so much life and it's killing you

don't keep it in. don't hold it back

let it out...let it out

and let them see you too.

to the next chapter

I miss writing

I miss creating, albeit ineloquent

I was intending to take the summer off the blog and return in the fall
that meant beginning September 1st...but here we are the true beginning of fall

thus, here I am - ready to pour out my heart

quite honestly it has been quite the journey
wins and losses
encouragement and discouragement

I found the less I wrote, the less I felt like writing and the less I felt inspired
a weird cycle indeed

so, in attempt to inspire inspiration...I write

I find myself back on themes of hope and disappointment. of pain and enlightenment

and God.
God is always there (or here, depending on your stance)

I want to be insprired and to inspire
I want God and I want life
I want to sip my coffee and reflect
I want to converse and ponder
I want to hug my kids so hard that they'll never forget my love
I want to laugh. I actually want to cry
I want to mend and heal and restore and reconcile

here's to the next chapter...

may we love more, regret less and revel in the joy of it all.

cheers!

more or less human

it seems that in life, there is much loss.

we each experience loss in our own way.

there's no instruction manual on how to grieve and mourn
and many flounder when confronted with loss.

some face it head-on.
some ignore.

and many more in between.

some self-medicate.
some self-deny.

and many more in between.

there is difficult balance to maintain between acknowledging the loss
and not letting it incapacitate you.

some weep and wail.
some bite their lip.

and many more in between.

I say:
- feel it and know it
- embrace it and learn it.

you have a choice:
- allow the loss to make you more or less human.

the church of facebook

I'm just finishing off Jesse Rice's book, The Church of Facebook - a very interesting read on how we connect in this hyper-connected age.

and it got me thinking.

how do I connect? where do I find community?
when do I 'feel' the most connected to others?

for me, as much as I enjoy blogging and facebooking and twittering - there's no replacement for the physical.
wrestling with my son, rocking my new daughter, and holding my wife's hand will have no equal online - not to mention the inflection of a voice; the slight gesture of body language; and the smell (albeit a recently utilized diaper)

it never ceases to confound me how someone can share embarassingly intimate details about themself with any and every one online (or who happens to be their facebook friend) and yet when approached face to face will entirely avoid and/or deny the very existence of the admission.

I understand it to a degree, as there is sense of liberation when you share something and get it off your chest - but just so you know, it's still real and it's still out there.

most likely, you came upon this post via facebook or some such online thingy (a technical ethernet term) and I welcome your thoughts because you are already in 'the know'.

- where do you find community? where do you belong?
- what role does online community play in your life?
- are we, as younger generations more or less lonely than the ones previous? or the same?
- what effect will this hyper-connectivity have on our relationships in years to come?

enough questions, my Blackberry (that I wished was an iPhone) is filling up with text messages, bbm's, facebook notifications, emails, and other reminders that I live a lonely (although well-connected life)

I like myself

now, this may sound conceited, self-absorbed and proud...

but, I like myself.
I am increasingly comfortable with who I am.

and for some reason this bothers you, doesn't it? instead of celebrating this, you bemoan it.

"good for you, Mr. I-Like-Myself! good...for...you"

why is this? why do we have such a hard time celebrating others?
if we're honest, our more intial reaction is near-jealousy.

something good happens to someone else, and we wonder why it didn't happen to us.
something bad happens to someone else, and we're glad it didn't happen to us.

man are we proud. we think this world revolves around us.

it doesn't.

and when we start to figure that one out, we begin to like ourselves a little more, because we think about ourselves a little less.

because, in an paradoxical way - the worse we feel about ourselves, the more we dwell on ourselves.
this begins a cycle of self-depreciation which is a form of pride.

pride does not always mean that you think you are the best.

sometimes, and I think rarely labelled as such, pride presents itself as dwelling on how much you don't like yourself.

this is detrimental to how we view others and how we care for others, mostly because we spend so much time beating ourselves up that we rarely have time to think of others.

so stop.

stop beating yourself up and care for someone else.
- take an interest in their life, without having to interject how horrible your life is.
- practically help someone else who is in need, without expecting anything in return.
- get in touch with someone you haven't talked to in a while - just to see how they're doing.
- give to those in need.

when you do this, you'll briefly forget about yourself...and in the process you may like yourself a little more.

and next week, after forgetting about yourself for awhile, you can honestly say - 'I like myself'.

(dis)content

are you content with your life?
where you are right now, as you are - are you content?

is it even possible to be content?
what does it mean to have contentment?

it seems that so many of us are running around - waiting for what's next; wishing things would be different; regretting decisions; etc.

is it possible to just be ok where you are now?

I know, so many questions, so little answers. maybe that's my M.O.

...
but I want to be content. I want to find rest. I want to know peace. I want to be ok.
...

what would have to change in your life for you to find contentment?
more money?
more love?
more time?
less pain?
less loss?
less confusion?

no matter what happens today - I will choose to be content.
no matter what happens tomorrow -  I will choose to be content.

you may think that I am delusional, but I choose to find my contentment in my God - no matter how much money, how much love, how much time, how much pain, how much loss, how much confusion.

mean face

I have a mean neutral face (so I'm told)

I wish I didn't.

I wish my mouth turned slightly upward in a mild grin, welcoming to all those around. birds would begin singing; flowers would bloom; the sun would poke it's playful face out from behind clouds shaped like puppies playing; children would run up to me as I passed by asking me to tell them a story (because people with happy neutral faces obviously love children and stories); and the world would just make sense.

...but I have a mean neutral face.

it's not that I am angry. it's not that I'm frustrated. I'm honestly just neutral and my facial muscles relax into a 'mean position'.

so the next time you see me, give me a little smirk (knowing my penchant for mean neutral faces) and I'll return the same. and maybe the sun will shine anyway.

Stuff Christians Like

Trying to stay as productive as possible - during my 'wait-for-Costco-to-finish-my-tires-3-hours-after-they-said-they-would stint I made every call, text, email I could think of - so now, I blog

I just received the book, Stuff Christians Like by Jonathan Acuff in the mail, having ordered it the first day it was available.

I ripped through it in one afternoon and a bit - laughing and snickering through most all of it.

He nailed it! Picking up on many of the idiosyncracies I have come to see in 'christian life' but could never adequately communicate.

From altar-calls to 7 people you'll meet in a prayer circle; from diagrams of worship-style to the smell of old hymnals with much more in between.

And yet, within the tongue-in-cheek wit of Acuff is a genuine heart for God and people; a man struggling to know.

With the profound insight and scathing poignance of Acuff, I can't help but think that God is laughing right along, though possibly under his breath so not to give the angels the wrong idea. cough

another self-convincing argument

in response to yesterday's post: self-convincing argument - I have a few more thoughts.

one - seemingly, what I observe in this life inevitably becomes a mirror with which I view myself, thus subjecting myself and anyone reading this to these critiques, directly or indirectly as they may be.

two - I am an advocate for self-convincing argumentation.

case in point -
I may not feel loving
I may not want to be hopeful
I may not be naturally joyful

but I choose to be these things (not always, lest you think I have delusions of grandeur)

I argue with myself daily to choose.

thus, I begin to believe what I'm saying. I begin to buy what I'm selling.

and most of all, against my shadier inclinations, I choose to be loved.

self-convincing argument

as I sit down to write this, I have no idea where this is going to lead.

but here's my thought:

if you really have to convince others of the credibility, importance, relevancy and truth of something - is it actually as credible, important, relevant and truthful as you make it out to be?

well, is it?

because, if it was actually all these things you are trying so desperately to communicate, wouldn't that just be apparent? wouldn't these things be evident solely because they are?

or, are you just talking so much, you're hoping one day you'll actually believe what you're saying?

...but then again, I'm the one writing, aren't I?

eat this

drink that

buy this

believe that.

when you fast...

*disclaimer*
this post is not targeted toward any individual. I, in no way intend to single anyone out.

this may be a sensitive post for some, others could not care less.

we are currently in the season of Lent, a period in the liturgical year that begins on Ash Wednesday and leads up to Easter. for many, Lent is a time to reflect on Jesus - his life, death and resurrection. self-denial has traditionally been a part of the lenten practice, with fasting being prominent. (fasting = going without food and possibly water/ or going without certain kinds of food for a time)

now, hear my heart before you read any further. I believe this lenten practice to be good and that those choosing to recognize this time in different ways have pure intentions.

with that said - I don't want to hear about what you're giving up for Lent. honestly, I don't think it's any of my business and I think it's goes against Jesus' teaching as you tell everybody about it.

there is a teaching of Jesus found in the Bible in the book of Matthew, chapter 6:
"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

I am not suggesting that there are some flaunting themselves around with their lenten fasts - but I do think that they may be missing some of the point. this is a heart issue.

what is the motivation behind your fast? to prove to yourself (or anyone else) that you can go without? - great! but that's more about will power than anything else.

if your motivation truly is pure - keep your practice that way and do not cheapen it by having to alert anyone around to your great sacrifice.

God knows your heart.

ch-ch-changes

I don't know what David Bowie was singing about, I'm sure a quick google search would answer it for me - but I like the song nonetheless.

what is it about change that affects people so?
I've heard lots of thoughts and opinions on the subject - but I still don't grasp it.
why is it so difficult?
and why is it that those who are proposing change are usually viewed negatively?

now, not all change is good or better. but can we not have room for discussion? because not all change is bad or worse.

what are we so afraid of?

one ineloquent year

it's been one year since I first began this anthematic journey.

quite honestly, I had very low expectations and did not envision that I'd still be blogging a year later, though I have thoroughly enjoyed it.

if you're new here - welcome.
if you've been journeying awhile with me - thanks

I look forward to continuing and subjecting you to my short-comings and subsequent struggles.

cheers.

ps - just before a recent flight, I was rummaging through stacks of books in my office searching for 'something light' to read while flying.
guess what I grabbed as I walked out?

that's right - a little Bonhoeffer, the Cost of Discipleship.
needless to say, it still sits unread

the problem with guilt

I recently returned from a trip to Uganda. I attempted to maintain a blog while I was there to bring people on the journey with us: http://www.fbcwatotoproject.blogspot.com/

after being home for 3 weeks, I am coming to terms with life for me now.
I must tell you - I am not an amazing person. I have no dillusions of grandeur.
I am humbled beyond words.

there are those who think that it was a vacation. there are those who think 'short-term' missions is ineffective.
what they don't know is that most everyone who went paid their own way from their own pocket and that the money raised went straight to the classrooms and Watoto.
they don't know the faces of the lives that were touched and will continue to be touched through the 'short' time we spent there.
they don't know the sustainable ministry of Watoto and how even something as simple as the classrooms that were built will continue to give children a hope in life.

I was honoured to serve alongside selfless people who gave of themselves, their money, their time to serve. they sacrificed much to go.

while in Uganda and upon returning home, there was and is this low-level guilt below the surface of my mind.
I have so much.
I could have just as easily been born an orphan in Uganda instead of into a family in Canada.

but the problem with guilt is this - it atrophies the soul. it may indicate that there is something wrong or something that needs to be changed. but guilt quickly turns into self-pity/ self-loathing/ ambivalence/ and eventually numbness.

I don't want to become numb. I want to be continually broken. I want to be continually raw and new.

I want to move from guilt to thanksgiving. from atrophy to action.

I am blessed. but not for me - I am blessed to be a blessing.
...
a dear friend thought I'd enjoy this. she knows me well.
I hope you enjoy it too:

jewish(ness)

someone once (assuming my disdain for bumper stickers) gave me one that says: "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter"

no comment.

I have a friend that I don't see often enough who regularly challenges me. over the past few years he's been on a journey to delve into jewish(ness). to view his following of Jesus in the light of Jesus' own human heritage.

what does it mean that Jesus is Jewish?
are we capable of understanding what it means to follow him without doing so in the context of Judaism?
does it matter to you?
should it?

thoughts?

entirely unromantic

I am married. and have been that way since May 17, 2003.

for some, that may seem very brief. for some, that may seem very long.

it is what it is.

I love my wife.

I choose to.

not because she is beautiful, though she is. not because she is talented, though she is. not because she loves me, though she does.

but because I choose to.

I chose to and will continue to choose to.

this may seem entirely unromantic and maybe it is. but love is so much more a choice than it is feeling.

today, I choose to love whether I feel like it or not.
I choose to speak in love, I choose to act in love, I choose to be in love.

...and she makes it so easy

an ineloquent anthem?

- sorry, couldn't help myself with the title.

not to even begin to pretend that I have a sniff about politics, but purely for friendly banter...

there has been talk these past few days since the throne speech about changing the Canadian National Anthem.

thoughts?
- are you in favour of reevaluating the anthem?
- are you offended or vicariously offended by the current anthem?
- what changes would you propose?

a tree in a story about a forest

7 countries in 30 days later, I have returned.

life has changed.

yet life remains the same. maybe the vantage point has change.

my life truly is a story, somedays rivetting, somedays melancholic.

finishing Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, I am again struck by 'story'

"He said to me I was a tree in a story about a forest, and that it was arrogant of me to believe any differently. And he told me the story of the forest is better than the story of the tree."

I am but a tree.

Uganda

I am going with a team to Uganda. We leave in just under a month.

During that time I hope to 'consistently' update the blog I've created for the trip, FBC Watoto Project.

Please follow along with our journeys, joys, miseries and experiences as we serve the children of Uganda.